I earnestly began my healing journey over 25 years ago. It began when everything I’d counted on fell apart on me. The editor in Word, doesn’t like the use of “on me” but I am sticking with that. I felt crushed under the weight of my fears (pain). So yes, my world fell on me. I realize now that I had been in this identity crisis beginning when I graduated high school. It took eight more years of personal suffering before I manifested my crash. At the time, I didn’t have the life experience I do now, so of course it felt very personal.
I remember I had tried to get help. I started with counseling and Christianity. I was baptized a few times in my search. What I really wanted was a set of rules. I wished someone had written a book. This was in the early 90s so, I know now there are many books, but then, there was nothing instantly available to me. I honestly thought that I was doing everything wrong, because when I looked outside of myself, other people seemed to have knowledge I knew nothing about.
Other people seemed to flow with more ease and comfort than me. They seemed to have an ability to build a life that worked, while I built a life of pain and sadness. I turned to Christianity because they had a book, and many leaders. Surely, I would find something that could help me do life better. I could not verbalize at the time, that I wanted to protect myself, and shore up my walls. I wanted something, or someone to fix me.
As I stated earlier, this began my spiritual quest, and my path of healing. I mention this because what I discovered is the healing journey, does not mean one will initially feel safe, or even good. Healing is experiential. It is intentional, it is magical, and it is practice. It requires looking at shadows. It means staring into fear and limited ways of thinking. It means sitting within the discomfort you carry so you can transmute it. It means figuring out how to release judgment against yourself and your experiences. It also means you will have to embrace it with compassion and learn to understand how it has served you.
Sadly, the process will not end. You will keep finding more things to heal, and you will move along to the next task that comes your way. It may be a thing to do, or an identity to love. You will continue to unpack the fear, settle into it, and move through it. This is the way of the healer. Give up your ideas of safety and protection. You will instead find an inner strength and resilience that will allow you to call peace forward, and help you face and transmute any fear you have buried. You are not in a battle with the world, and you are not a victim of it. Allow triggers to bring your fears forward. Speak their name and release any power they may have held over you. Know that this is what healing looks like.
You are meant to know yourself as more than the pain you’ve experienced.
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